The Mind's Power Over Our Reality Experience.

Do we lose a part of ourselves when we die and come back?

Do you feel like you are alive?

Funny question, I know. Humor me.

What does ‘alive’ feel like? Arguably, we are not even in this reality.

I am a very grounded person. Spiritually, I have always been able to connect to the other side, yet I can always leave one foot here in this reality. Therefore, I haven’t really felt, “out of control” during any type of spiritual experience or psychedelic trip.

So despite having such a solid grip on “reality” as we know it, I think I nearly lost my mind after an accidental NDE. As in, while centered in my sober(ish) reality, I was nearly convinced that I had actually died.

Some history: I am a recovered addict. I would specify the substance but it’s been multiple throughout my life. I am 30 years old, and for 15 years I’ve been high on some sort of substance. Period. I really think that at least from the age of 17, I haven’t spent more than one month completely sober. Even during times where I wasn’t necessarily messing with illegal substances, I had prescriptions for widely used narcotics that were supposed to be taken ‘as needed’ or ‘as directed’ by the prescribing doctor that went straight up my nose or I would double or triple the dose because of my high tolerance.

When this event took place though, I was using a mixture of Heroin and Methamphetamines administered by injection. (wow, that sounds so .. not me..) I was in a weird place mentally. Biting my tongue day to day, using the drugs to cope with my failing miserable marriage in which I felt incredibly stuck, unappreciated, unseen and unworthy of anything else. Raising my child in a less than ideal situation and feeling completely out of my element. Isolated through years of self sabotage.

However, pretty recently prior to that, I had pulled myself out of a deep dark depression. One I never thought I would ever escape from. It was during the second separation with my husband after falling back into the addictive cycle we did every time. I had left to pick up our daughter from my family out of state, she was visiting them. I didn’t intend to stay gone, but I did intend to get sober. We both did. But he didn’t. Technically I didn’t either, I was on the alternatives and under a local doctor’s supervision I was taking a very high dose of Suboxone to help me through the withdrawal process. Long story short, my husband had asked me for a divorce because I wanted some accountability between us to be sober. It broke me. Again.

So in a sense, I felt like I was quite a bit stronger than I was before. Getting through all the drama that ensued after we got back together following that, was a miracle in and of itself. - that is for another entry -

Once I got myself through all of that, for whatever reason, I began the IV route and put my life in serious danger on a daily basis. The event I’m speaking of, was the first of 3. THREE. wtf.

Between the second and third one though is when I had the majority of the mental insanity, questioning my reality.

To remind you, I had isolated myself in a big way. The only people I spoke to every day lived with me. (my husband and daughter) and then outside of that were my parents with whom I spoke to maybe once or twice a week. And that was really just my mother. I was out of touch with my brother, I rarely spoke to my best friend who lived a couple hours from me and I didn’t have a vehicle. I was applying for jobs at the time as well, and honestly for the first time in my entire working life, I was getting ZERO callbacks. None. I applied for countless jobs and for the life of me couldn’t figure out what the hell I was doing wrong.

This was a matter of weeks following the accidental overdose.

And then it hit me.

Was I…alive? Had I really died one of those times that I overdid it?
I questioned my husband - put it in his head that maybe I was a figment of his and my daughter’s imagination as some way of coping with my loss. Like maybe he blocked out the fact that he never succeeded in saving my life.

In fact, nothing was going my way. Nothing was manifesting for me. I wasn’t connecting spiritually either. (something I stepped into right when I moved away from my husband) It made TOO much sense.

I had to do some serious grounding and spiritual work around whether or not I was really experiencing life. I felt numb.

For a solid two weeks or maybe a little more, I was convinced that I was merely in purgatory. In between, existing in the void because I was not ready to cross over.

Every part of myself crumbled into an abyss of confusion and shock.

I began to mourn everything I could have been. I felt through what my daughter might feel if that were real. It broke my soul into smaller pieces than I have ever done myself. She needs me. Truly. My heart still hurts to this day. It felt so real and SO devastating.

I also felt through what my husband might have experienced. The backlash from my family, angry at him for ‘letting it happen’…isolating himself with Aeona and slowly losing his mind. The agony of his spiritual self knowing that I might have put myself on a new karmic contract by not finishing this one. Having to tell my dogs that I wasn’t coming back through the door….

It all felt far too real for me… in fact it was the only thing that did feel real as everything else was easily faded from view as I allowed myself to rationalize the possibility.

Since then, I’ve slowly come back to a reality that I am certain I exist in. But those two(ish) weeks were HELL.

I pretty much went completely out of my mind . I had never been so insanely sure that my life had taken a swift and wild turn onto the wrong path.

I say all of this to ask, what is it then, that really confirms our existence?

NOTHING.

There is nothing that can guarantee that we aren’t fully making this up somewhere inside our consciousness. Why? Because the universe is entirely mental. This is all somewhat of a dream! We develop our realities based on what our beliefs are and our thoughts! We co-create with the universe through our subconscious mind. Which is our sleeping state, or unconscious, that is our driving force for 95% of our daily habits, actions and thoughts!

If we aren’t careful, we can get caught up into any loop of thought or belief that we can imagine.

Taking control of our thoughts is our only proof. That is what we can do to hang onto that sense of reality. We are not our brain. The mind is more or less a parasite that yes, does its best to keep us alive, but also can stop us from creating actual life.

Had I gotten stuck inside a loop like that, I might have completely ruined my future. Thinking I was stuck in some middle realm would have completely demotivated me for literally everything. I would have detached from the last people I was speaking to at the time.

I wouldn’t be here.

So long story short, becoming aware of the fact that our thoughts are not always correct, and that they aren’t the real ‘us’, is a VERY important step in your self development and ability to remain conscious, aware and present.

…Till Next Time…

D